I was out with a really good friend a few days before my birthday and she asked a simple question, "how was 30?" It took a minute to find the words to even begin to explain. 30 was tough. Not a bad year, not by any means, but it wasn't easy. It was supposed to be tough though. I always like to reflect after a birthday and since I was kinda stumped I figured I'd post about it. It was a rocky start to 30. Terrible news of a good friends death to a senseless shooting and I was dealing with cracks in a relationship I was very desperate to keep alive. I realized I was falling in love and heartbroken all at once. My job was stressing me out and I was really creatively and mentally stumped and drained. It was a perfect storm of situations that had me in an ugly funk. It was all kind of a blur. The thing that I'm most surprised about was that I didn't really complain. I didn't really do anything. I just kind of kept on going. I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was the tough and courageous thing to do. There is this invisible badge of toughness and strength attached to you when you soldier on regardless of how unhappy you are. You start to believe it'll lead to a learning experience and things will eventually turn around. LET ME BE CLEAR; It's not brave to continue on when you're not happy, it's wasteful and frankly it's FUCKING STUPID. I was on autopilot but I wasn't going anywhere. What's cruise control if you're going in circles? (NASCAR?) I think the thought of "30" really had me down too. It's that age where you're finally a real adult, no more f*cking around. Like "Life comes at you fast, 30". And here I am, on the steps of real adulthood, creatively blocked, frustrated with my "career", and my personal life is a beautiful mess. This went on for months. Fast forward to the summertime. I decided to cut out somethings so that I wouldn't distract myself. Focus on some more positive things. I got off instagram for about 5 months(just deleted the app again a few days ago) to clear a lot of the unnecessary info that was getting through. I got to a point to where I almost unfollowed everyone, but I decided that I was the problem and should just take a break until my POV changed. I'd check it occasionally from my iPad, like biweekly if even that much just to feel a little socially engaged. I remember the moment I kinda got my feet back under me, if even for a moment. I remember jumping on Pinterest as my substitute for instagram. I needed substance that required very little emotional attachment and content I could more easily control(because people post such bullshit). I was looking up fashion week pics in New York and I thought that would be dope to be in New York for FW. Then I was like no, it would be even more amazing to do it in Paris. Paris, I NEED TO GO TO PARIS. If I don't do anything right this year, I'm going to Paris. I was stalking travel apps and flight deal websites for any advantage I could find to get to this remarkable place that held some of the most beautiful sights on earth. A place that was heralded as the world's creative and fashion capitol(NYC and Milan clearly get consideration, but honestly). If my passion wasn't gonna be renewed after a trip I've been lusting for, then I was just out of ideas. The trip blew me away. Even in the midst of losing my grandmother, the trip kept me sane and proved to be the silver lining. As you've seen if you follow my blog a little, the trip was incredible. I owe a big part of my new thinking and newfound search for peace to it. It took all year to find that spark. ALL YEAR. The trip was in October, and I had been on autopilot to some extent for 6 months. It felt like everything was working against me. The peace I had was gone, and I truly underestimated its importance to my well being. I had 5 goals at that mid year mark...from October to December I got 4 of the 5. That fifth was a long shot, but I've learned to never give up on what you want and what you know is meant to be(I added it to my 2017 goals). I designed a logo and created product. Functional, well designed, well constructed product. I gave it away to friends and I got good reviews but I'm not satisfied. Being dissatisfied actually made me feel good; it made me feel something. I got a new job at a company I actually like and that I am willing to grow with, and I got a super dope apartment. The fourth quarter was amazing; CLUTCH, if you will. Maybe I caught some breaks and things worked out the way I prayed they would. Maybe I worked hard all year and put myself in a position to make it all work. Maybe life was revealing my character at the moment of truth. Probably a bit of all three.
So here I am at 31. I have a really new outlook on people and life. So I want to impart a few words of wisdom to whomever made it this far. We're all the heroes of our own story. We judge ourselves by our intentions and others on their actions. It's not only important to do what's best for you and your narrative but also the ones around you. Not only is the action important, but also the context. Not everything is justified, but when you have the ability to help someone see your point of view, it creates understanding; and that's how we grow together. That's all I want is to create, spread understanding, love, and good vibes, and take in the rich textures of this amazing world. To inspire and be inspired. 30 showed me a glimpse of what I am capable of. Honestly, it was a little overwhelming. I know that great things lie ahead. I am working on a big project in California, designing a few new things for the spring(something comprehensive and vivid, a little different from the minimalistic logo) and making my way to Italy soon. Chapter 31 will be the best yet. The search for everything begins and I thank those who subscribe and support.
"i'm gonna get by when the going gets tough, i'm gonna love life til i'm done growing up. and when i go down, imma go down swinging, my eyes still smiling and my heart still singing"
keep dreaming, keep lovin'...